AZ TRACKS

A VERY LEMONS XMAS: RACING HOOPTIES IN THE DESERT Racing doesn’t stop just because of the holidays BY:  MARK VAUGHN

 

Our friends at the 24 Hours of Lemons don’t just communicate with their racer minions, they craft creative missives of magnificence. One such example is the reminder sent to racers to register for the big Lemons desert race Feb. 23-24 at the fabulous Inde Motorsports Ranch in Arizona, truly one of the greatest road courses in the West. (Well, top five or six, anyway, the West does have Weathertec Raceway Laguna Seca and Sonoma.)

Lemons, as you know, is real road racing on real tracks but in gawdawful $500 cars. The results are splendiferous. The entry deadline for this race is Dec. 29, but there was concern that no one would be paying attention during the holidays and everyone would miss the deadline. So Lemons’ “Chief Perp,” as he calls himself, John “Jay” Lamm, who used to write car reviews before he became the Bernie Eccelstone of miserable “crapcans,” penned the following reminder as a hooptie racer’s version of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas. Titled, “A Very Lemons Xmas,” no doubt to mock every Hallmark Christmas Special ever made. We regurgitate it untouched for your Xmas cheer. Merry Xmas everyone!

A VERY LEMONS XMAS

In Which We’re Reminded to Reg for the Desert Race by Saturday the 29th, with Apologies to Clement Moore and Charles Dickens.

‘Twas the week before Xmas, the hoopties garaged,

The season was over, complaints all now lodged.

The Hanukkah candles were burned down to stubs,

And the broken-down crapcans all stripped to their hubs.

The racers they languished, in wrapups on phones,

While dreams of Real Racing™ appeared in their domes.

“If only,” they howled, “t’was a race I could drive in.

Inde, I think, on a dry winter’s weekend.”

But back at HQ, the organizers still toiled

In a cold East Bay office, the floors stained with oil.

The Chief Perp at his desk like a low-budget Scrooge,

Ponders Willcox AZ, where heaps would soon splooge,

Fluids so greasy and grimy and viscous.

Sign up for Inde the week after Christmas!?

They’re busy! Forgetful! They’ll never remember!

To turn in those apps before late December.”

The Associate Perp warmed his hands like Bob Cratchit,

On a sputtering smallblock he’d fixed with a ratchet,

From a heap in a boneyard to heat the location.

He leapt at the mention of race registration.

“We’ll send out reminders about Arizona,

That’ll reach them inside of their ate-too-much comas.

We’ll send out three emails, like Magi or Ghosts,

We’ll hammer their feeds with the spammiest posts!”

So they hurriedly scribbled some Christmas-themed rhymes,

And hastily scheduled some publishing times,

To remind all the racers that they should apply,

By December 29, a date which is nigh.

If February next they’re to go racing at Inde,

In a jankified hooptie that wasn’t too spendy.

And to wish all of lemonsworld a hale Season’s Greet,

And a 2019 that turns out Hella Sweet.

Inde ’19 details here; sign up here.