Allen Harlan's Noise - Racing Roundup Arizona

ALLEN HARLAN'S NOISE

Good Evening. I’m Allen Harlan and this is the

Racing Roundup Report

Phoenix, Arizona – Our seasonal weather subject of favor, the Monsoon, made a whole valley visit this past Saturday. Arriving in perfect storm form, the unpredictable weather pattern blew into town late Saturday afternoon and proceeded to drench the city with a tremendous downpour. To honor our weather guest’s arrival, 69 car and truck drivers, in three separate incidents decided to close up West bound Interstate 10, just outside of downtown, by crashing into each other. Phoenix Police and Arizona Department of Public Safety officers, responding to the melee were pleased to report no significant injuries resulting from the waterborne pileups, although one DPS officer in an unguarded moment did say, “none of this would have happened if people weren’t driving like idiots. My guess is many of these fools came from California.” The officer’s name, Krupke, is being withheld pending an insensitivity investigation.

Washington, D.C. – Mr. Glen Beck, bête-noire (which is French for black-beast) bête-noire of America’s liberals, sophisticates, and other preening elitist twits who hate and fear their fellow citizens, held a mass rally on the Capital Mall Saturday calling for a restoration of America’s honor. Addressing an audience estimated by media experts at between 89 and 650K (don’t you just love expert opinions), Beck and other speakers, including Grizzly Mama Sarah Palin, mostly avoided politics and asked their patriotic, well-behaved audience to seek the Nation’s salvation via a faith in God and the principles set forth by our Founding Fathers. Of course, such an event of peaceful assembly by average Americans was not to be tolerated by those who benefit from false divisions amongst us and so the Reverend Al Sharpton led a counter demonstration claiming moral superiority while insulting all others as essentially racist, homophobic, misogynistic, state’s rightist, islamaphobic, white haters of privilege who look down on everybody else. The Reverend Sharpton’s crowd of a couple thousand was estimated by media experts at more than 10 and closer to 20 thousand people (again, you‘ve got to admire those experts). District Police reported no trouble during the rallies other than 51 attendees requiring medical attention for heat and dehydration. His Majesty the President, vacationing at Martha’s Vineyard, could not be reached for comment.

Washington, D.C. - From the Treasury Department; as of last Friday, the 27^th of August, the National Debt of the United States stood at 13 trillion, 376 billion, 189 million, 739 thousand, 693 dollars, and 61 cents, a increase of approximately 13 billion over our last report and a new record.

On this date in History: In 30 B.C. Queen Cleopatra of Egypt, following the death of Marc Antony, committed suicide, reportedly from the bite of an Asp. Cleopatra, played by Claudette Colbert and Elizabeth Taylor in the movies, had been quite a player in the politics of her day. However, in letting her heart over-rule her sense she fell in love with Marc Antony, formerly second fiddle to Julius Caesar and failed rival to Octavian Augustus, first Emperor of Rome. In 1918, Vladimir Lenin, commie pinko fag dictator of Russia was shot twice by one Fanya Kaplan who either didn’t like the speech or objected to Mr. Lenin’s politics. Sadly, Mr. Lenin survived but Mr. Kaplan and thousands of other political opponents did not. In 1945, General Douglas MacArthur lands unarmed at Atsugi airport to oversee Japan’s formal surrender officially ending World War II. As supreme commander of occupied Japan, MacArthur would successfully guide the Japanese nation into republican government and economic restoration. In 1963, as a consequence of the last year’s Cuban Missile Crisis, the “hotline” was established between the White House and the Kremlin. Ostensibly, to prevent crisis situations from getting out of hand by allowing direct communication between the two cold war powers, the line was seldom used; although there are reports that Leonid Brezhnev did call once and ask then President Nixon to send over some pizza. In 1967, Thurgood Marshall was confirmed to the Supreme Court of the United States. And in 2003, movie tough guy, Charles Bronson died in Los Angeles at the age of 81. RIP.

In football news: Only one more week of the silly preseason is left and while this reporter usually ignores the made for TV and advertising extravaganza that is the modern preseason we are pleased to report that even though it means absolutely nothing, the Detroit Lions did beat the Cleveland Browns this past weekend.

And that’s just some of the news. This report has been brought to you by Racing Roundup Arizona who wants you to know, “It’s our opinion and you’re entitled to it and if you disagree, you’re entitled to be wrong.” Now, please stand by, Racing Roundup Arizona will return in all its glory after these important commercial messages.

August 23, 2010

New York City, New York – Since this horse won’t die, the beating goes on. In yet another example of how there’s only one legitimate side to any argument in these United States; Speaker of the House, the untamed shrew, Nancy Pelosi told reporters that with regard to the proposed mosque and Islamic cultural center to be built near ground zero, she too wants to see an investigation into where the money is coming from to support those who are opposed to the project. Yes Nancy, the vast right wing conspiracy sees blood in the water on this issue and is pouring millions into stirring up the hoi polloi for a public spasm of race hatred and religious intolerance. When asked for a comment, the vast right wing conspiracy said, “Hey, this is what we do for a living.”

New York City, New York – protests were held for and against the new mosque and cultural center over the past weekend. According to a police spokesman, 1000s showed up to express their displeasure with the mosque and about 75 showed up in support. Amongst those in opposition were a number of gentlemen representing New York’s construction trades; who in conversation with reporters covering the protest made clear that regardless of what the idiot politicians decide to do, they would make sure that Imam Rauf and his merry band would rue the day they tried to build anything near ground zero. When pressed for details, the men in hard hats would only say, “hey, ever heard of cost over-runs?” and, “things gotta get inspected, right?” and then laughed uproariously amongst themselves.

Tehran, Iran – According to the Islamic Republic’s elected president (a phrase of three lies in seven words) Machmoud I’m-a-nut-job introduced the Iranian Air Force’s new unmanned bomber, named, cue the drum roll please, “the Ambassador of Death”. The drone, painted bright red with gold trim has a range of 620 miles and can carry up to 3 cruise missiles. It bears an unmistakable resemblance to Germany’s V-1 Buzz Bomb of World War II vintage. Its purpose will, according to I’m-a-nut-job, “keep the enemy paralyzed in its bases”, “be an ambassador of death to the enemies of humanity,” and otherwise, “has a main message of peace and friendship”. In reply, a spokesman for the U.S. Air Force, commenting on the Iranian president’s announcement said, and I quote, “for a title, Ambassador of Death is a little wordy, we prefer the nickname our F-22 fighter pilots came up with: Roadkill.”

Washington, D.C. - From the Treasury Department; as of last Friday, the 20^th of August, the National Debt of the United States stood at 13 trillion, 363 billion, 227 million, 573 thousand, 941 dollars, and 68 cents, a increase of approximately 46 billion over our last report and a new record.

On this date in History: In 1814 Dolley Madison, wife of President James Madison, leaves the White House just ahead of the British soldiers who will burn it and saves the famous Gilbert Stuart painting of George Washington from destruction. Good work Dolley. In 1914, the British Expeditionary Force met the German Army in battle at the Mons canal in Northeastern France. This first encounter of British arms on the European continent since 1815 would pit 35,000 regulars of the Royal Army against the German invader with a force of over 70,000 troops. The BEF withstood a 6 hour artillery bombardment, 9 hours of furious frontal attacks, and suffer 1600 casualties before being forced to retreat due to miscommunication with the French Armies on her flanks who had already pulled back. In 1926 silent screen idol, the Great Latin Lover, Rudolf Valentino died at the age of 31 due to a ruptured ulcer. Hollywood’s first male sex symbol, his funeral was attended by more than 100,000 mourners, many of whom fainted. In 1927 Sacco and Vanzetti, anarchist scumbags, previously found guilty of murder in the robbery of a paymaster and guard were executed in Massachusetts. The two, considered innocent by progressives and other brainless do-gooders, would remain the center of a cause-celeb for decades even in the face of incontrovertible evidence of their guilt. Sounds familiar doesn’t it? And lastly in 1939, in a real blow to commie pinko fag sympathizers, a non-aggression pact was signed between Hitler’s Germany and Stalin’s Russia. This deal gave the green light to Germany’s invasion of Poland and the start of Big Mistake 2.

In football news, in what should be of no surprise to anyone, Brett Favre has returned to the Minnesota ViQueens for the latest version of his ongoing retirement tour.

August 16, 2010

Washington, D.C. – Like all good liberals, who can’t imagine any discussion taking place without them, His Majesty the President weighed in last Friday on the proposed Mosque and Islamic Cultural Center to be built near ground zero in lower Manhattan. Speaking from the White House, at the annual dinner celebrating the Islamic holy month of Ramadan, His Majesty the President acknowledged the right of Muslims to build a mosque anywhere they liked as long as local laws and ordinances were properly accorded. Of course this announcement created a firestorm of criticism and so…

Panama City, Florida – Like all good liberals, who can’t imagine anyone misunderstanding their meaning, His Majesty the President sought to clarify his comments from the Ramadan dinner this past Friday at the White House where he spoke of the Constitutional right of Muslims to build a Mosque anywhere they liked. It seems the media, both mainstream and vast right-wing conspiracy, took too literally His Majesty’s point on religious tolerance and misreported his words as actual support for the proposed building of the Cordoba House, a Mosque and Islamic Cultural Center, approximately 600 yards from the former World Trade Center in New York. His Majesty further stated that it is not his job to pass judgment on every local project. Of course this announcement created a firestorm of criticism and so…

Washington, D.C – Like all good liberals, who can’t imagine any problem that some sort of gab-fest won’t solve, calls were issued today for His Majesty the President to hold a “Root-Beer” summit at the White House to address the growing political argument surrounding the proposed building of an Islamic religious center not far from ground zero in New York. Since His Majesty stuck his foot in it last Friday, and with many of his fellow Democrats seeing only disaster as a result, the hope of such a non-alcoholic conference would be to reconcile the rights of the Muslim religionists with the sensibilities of those who see the proposed Islamic mosque and cultural center as a deliberate stick in their eyes.

Phoenix, Arizona – This reporter would like to know; what exactly is a cultural center? And who really believes there is anything innocent about the choice of location for the above mentioned mosque in New York. For all their protests of purity, the Islamic spokesmen on this subject sound pretty hallow. Screw them.

Tokyo, Japan – 2^nd Quarter financial reports are in and it appears that Japan has been passed by commie pinko China as the world’s second largest economy. The Treasury Ministry reported Japan’s Gross Domestic Product, or GDP, at 1.28 trillion dollars for the year compared to commie pinko China’s at 1.33 trillion. By comparison, the GDP of the United States currently stands at just under 14.6 trillion dollars for the current fiscal year.

Washington, D.C. - From the Treasury Department; as of last Friday, the 13^th of August, the National Debt of the United States stood at 13 trillion, 317 billion, 48 million, 837 thousand, 517 dollars, and 12 cents, a increase of approximately 71 billion over our last report and a new record.

On this date in History: In 1812, during the war of the same name, General William Hull, bowing to French tradition, surrendered, without a fight, the City of Detroit to an Army of British regulars and regional Indians commanded by General Isaac Brock. In 1896, George Carmack of California and/or his two fishing buddies, Skookum Jim and Tagish Charlie, both of the Alaska Territory, discovered gold in Rabbit Creek a tributary of the Klondike River. Their discovery set off the last great gold-rush of the American West; where, by 1898, up to 50 thousand would-be miners had come to seek their fortune. Carmack’s claim would eventually profit one million dollars. Commercial gold mining in the Yukon territory continued until 1966 and yielded some $250 million in gold. In 1948, George Herman “Babe” Ruth died in New York City. In 1977, Elvis Presley reportedly died in Memphis, Tennessee; although there are those who aren’t convinced. In 1987, Northwest Flight 255 bound for Phoenix crashed after take-off outside Detroit’s Metropolitan Airport. Investigation concluded the pilots were in too big a hurry and amongst other errors, forgot to extend the wing flaps for take-off.

Lastly, congratulations to Anne & Les Heintz of Great Falls, Virginia celebrating their 30^th wedding anniversary today.

August 2, 2010

Kansas City, Missouri – Pork bellies reached an all-time high of $1.35 per pound last Friday, up 53% from a year ago. The price increase follows two years of herd reductions by North American swine farmers, who experienced a fall off in consumption caused by the recession, high feed prices, and interestingly enough from fears of the H1N1 influenza virus which many called the swine flu. The pork belly is the fatty underside of the pig from which we get our bacon. So, unless your grocer is advertising bacon as a loss leader, expect to pay $5.00 or more per pound through the Summer months when the demand for bacon usually rises.

Off the Gulf Coast of Louisiana – After the successful capping of its gushing well recently, BP engineers are now prepared to seal up the damaged well completely with drilling mud and concrete plugs in a process called static kill. The plugs will be injected into the drill pipe and bore hole at both the sea floor and three miles further down where the drilling reached the oil and gas reservoir. The process, which normally takes a couple of hours, will be completed in two phases over the next number of days. Engineers will start by sealing the top end of the damaged well and upon confirmation of success, sealing the bottom. Good luck.

Washington, D.C. – Having survived until now, the American Republic breathed a sigh of relief as the House and Senate adjourned for their Summer Recess. There was some question, particularly amongst Democrats, about whether or not going home to their districts was a good idea. Usually a time for House members and a third of the Senators to campaign for re-election, many incumbents are not looking forward to talking with their constituents, who for some reason don’t seem especially pleased with their elected representatives. On the other hand, television and cable news companies, along with bloggers and pundits are hoping for lots of yelling and screaming to make the campaign season more entertaining and profitable.

Washington, D.C. – Congresswoman Maxine Waters, a standout amongst the Looney leftists in Congress, is joining Congressman Charlie Rangel as the latest public servant to be scrutinized by the House Standards of Behavior committee. Seems there’s some question about getting bailout money to a bank upon whose board her husband did serve. Boy, those ethical purists have no sense of humor; I mean what’s the point of politics if not to help out our friends and families.

Washington, D.C. - From the Treasury Department; as of last Friday, the 23^rd of July, the National Debt of the United States stood at 13 trillion, 246 billion, 508 million, 860 thousand, 572 dollars, and 7 cents, a decrease of approximately 3 billion over our last report but I doubt a new trend.

On this date in History: In 1923, President Warren G. Harding died of a stroke at the San Francisco Hotel where he was staying while on a West coast speaking tour. Harding, the 29^th President of the United States had been elected in a landslide in 1920 promising a “return to normalcy” after World War I. He was succeeded in office by Calvin Coolidge. In 1934, Paul von Hindenburg, President of the Weimar Republic of Germany died in office, leaving the levers of power to the then Chancellor of Germany, one Adolf Hitler. And as we all know, that didn’t turn out too well. In 1939, Albert Einstein, concerned about German scientific progress on atomic research, wrote what would become a famous letter urging President Franklin Roosevelt to pursue similar research in the United States. His action would eventually lead to the Manhattan project and successful development of the atomic bomb. In 1943, during combat near the Solomon Islands a Japanese destroyer rammed and sank the PT-109, captained by Lt. Jack Kennedy. Kennedy led his crew to a nearby island and after six days arranged rescue with the aid of native islanders working for an Australian coast watcher. In 1990, the late Saddam Hussein of Iraq invaded his neighbor to the South, Kuwait. This action would lead to two wars, a huge oil field fire, cost billions of dollars, and the lives of over 4000 American serviceman over a twenty year period. We should have killed the bastard in 1991.

In sports news, they’re still playing baseball, which I’m sure keeps the baseball fans happy, but the important news is that NFL Football camps opened this past weekend signaling the coming of Fall and the pigskin parade. Go Lions!

JULY 26, 2010

Tempe, Arizona – For many who weren’t aware, that large brown ditch that runs from East to West through metropolitan Phoenix is the bed of a river, the Salt River. Some years ago, the city fathers of Tempe got the bright idea of putting a lake in the river bed next to ASU and downtown. So they built two dams of concrete pylons to which are attached large sausage-shaped rubber balloons. The balloons hold the water of the 2 mile long lake in place and on the rare occasions that Mother Nature needs the river bed, they can be deflated to let the river run through. Well, just as nature abhors a vacuum, so does it dislike things that don’t belong. To wit, city engineers discovered that the rubber balloons, manufactured by B.F. Goodrich with a 25 to 30 year life spans, really only last about 10 years in our desert sun. Now eleven years old and six months before a scheduled replacement, with two great pops, one of the balloons burst last Thursday night, making Tempe Town Lake the Tempe Town Mud Hole.

Bell, California – in another example of government run amok, residents of this Southern California town damn near rioted last week when it was reported that the City Manager, the Police Chief, the Assistant City Manager, and the City Councilmen were being paid 787K, 457K, 376K, and 100K dollars a year respectively. Bell, about three miles South/Southeast of downtown LA, is a city of approximately 38 thousand residents, 50% of whom are estimated to be illegal aliens, 40% of whom are considered functionally illiterate, and all with a median household income of about $40,000 a year. It appears that until Bell went broke, no one was paying attention as these fine civil servants helped themselves to the city treasury. City Manager Robert Rizzo is reported to have said that he and his cohorts wanted the residents of Bell to feel like they were in their old countries south of the Border where such corruption is standard practice.

Atlanta, Georgia – Ms. Shirley Sherrod, former director of a rural farms agency of the U.S. Department of Agriculture got her 15 minutes of fame last week with a video clip that ended up making fools of internet media mogul Andrew Brietbart, numerous news organizations, the NAACP, Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack, and the administration of His Majesty the President. The clip, taken from a speech given to a Georgia chapter of the NAACP, showed Ms. Sherrod admitting to patently racist behavior in her dealings with a white farmer in economic distress. The immediate result of this clip entering the news cycle was Ms. Sherrod’s firing from the USDA, supposedly under pressure from the White House, and broad condemnation from, amongst others, the NAACP, probably anxious to prove their non-biased credentials after the recent Tea-Party imbroglio. However, in another proof of the old adage, look before you leap, it turns out that a full playing of the speech proved Ms. Sherrod to not hate people by color but rather to hate them by their money; a standard rich vs. poor attitude approved of by progressives like His Majesty and the modern NAACP. We’ll report on the details on who’s going to get sued and for how much as they become available.

Phoenix, Arizona – SB1070, Arizona’s illegal immigration law, went to federal court last week and while the scumbag lawyers droned on, initial reports are that the judge in the case, Ms. Susan Bolton does not seem particularly impressed with the arguments of those opposed to implementation of the law. As of this report, no ruling has been issued by the Federal District Court.

Washington, D.C. - From the Treasury Department; as of last Friday, the 23^rd of July, the National Debt of the United States stood at 13 trillion, 249 billion, 153 million, 625 thousand, 870 dollars, and 38 cents, an increase of 57 billion over our last report and a new record.

On this date in History: In 1775, the Second Continental Congress established the Post Office Department and appointed Benjamin Franklin the first Postmaster General. Franklin, who had been co-postmaster of the Colonies from 1753-1774, had improved routes, cut delivery times, introduced the first rate chart, and standardized delivery costs based on distance and weight. He would serve as Postmaster until 1776 when he was sent to France as our ambassador. In 1984, real life psycho Ed Gein died of cancer at a Wisconsin prison. Gein, famous for his gruesome 1950’s killing, skinning, curing, and decorating with the remnants of his victims was the inspiration for the Norman Bates character in the1959 novel Psycho by Robert Bloch, which was made the next year into Alfred Hitchcock’s famous movie of the same name.

JULY 19, 2010

Kansas City, Missouri – The annual meeting of the NAACP, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, concluded here last week and unsurprisingly accomplished nothing positive for the actual advancement of colored people. They did however manage to make some news with the announced consideration of an official condemnation of the Tea Parties as racist. This announcement brought a wave of condemnation on the proposed condemnation and resulted in a watered down version of the original that condemned instead those in their ranks of the Tea Parties whom the NAACP considers racist. Now, I’m certainly not expert in the profession of race hustling but isn’t a blanket accusation of the Tea Parties as racist identical to saying that all black people are

The Briny Deep, off our Southern Shores – BP, formerly known as British Petroleum, successfully capped their gusher at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico last week, thus ending the first chapter of what is bound to become the greatest legal moneyletting in corporate History. In related news, BP and the government are now arguing about opening up the new cap so as to measure the actual amount of oil flowing from the well. It seems some of the penalties to be assessed on BP are dependent on the actual amount of oil spilled and the government claims it can’t calculate that unless the cap is opened and the flow is measured into waiting tankers. Without saying so, BP is essentially arguing that the government’s demand is akin to asking BP to testify against itself, which as we all should know is a violation of the 5^th Amendment to the Constitution which precludes such testimony. But not to fear, lawyers on both sides are ready to defend the righteous and make a boodle.

Washington, D.C. – Just like the 7^th Calvary charging across the plains to rescue the settlers from an attack by hostile Indians, Congress is preparing to pass the unemployment insurance extension now that West Virginia has replaced the late Senator Robert Byrd. This will provide a further 26 weeks of unemployment compensation and according to the combined economic logic of His Majesty the President, Speaker Nancy the untamed Shrew Pelosi, and those two economic geniuses Chris Dodd and Barney Frank (amongst others), that when combined with a little more stimulus money (say another trillion) will end the Great Recession of George Bush’s making and bring on progressive prosperity for all, except of course, for the evil rich. Right.

Washington, D.C. - From the Treasury Department; as of last Friday, the 16^th of July, the National Debt of the United States stood at 13 trillion, 240 billion, 228 million, 521 thousand, 494 dollars, and 88 cents, an increase of 48 billion over our report last week and a new record.

On this date in History: In 1799, during Napoleon’s campaign in Egypt, a French soldier discovered the Rosetta Stone, a large black basalt slab upon which three sets of identical writings that included ancient Greek and Egyptian hieroglyphics. This invaluable discovery allowed scientists who could read the Greek to translate the hieroglyphics liberally written all over the monuments, tombs, and artifacts of Egyptian antiquity. Interestingly, modern archeologists have recently discovered another significant stone, as yet unnamed, that describes the fall of the Pharaohs and the collapse of the Egyptian Empire as the fault of one George W. Bush.

In 1919, the Cenotaph, a monument to the dead and wounded of Great Britain and her Empire was unveiled in Whitehall, the great avenue passing through the government district of London. Inscribed with the words “Our Glorious Dead” and fronted with the Flags of the British Union, The Royal Army, and Royal Navy, the Cenotaph has become the centerpiece of the annual commemoration of all Britain’s war dead and wounded held on the Sunday of or nearest the 11^th of November anniversary marking the end of the Great War we call World War I.

Other than that, July 19^th is open for some significant History.

In Baseball news: Here are some of the scores from yesterday’s play; for the American League; 7-6, 2-1, and 9-6, for the National League; 11-6, 6-4, and 9-0, there were other games with other scores but we don’t care.

July 12, 2010

Washington, D.C. – From the so-called Department of Justice, two stories of why we love and trust our government so: First on the hit-parade, Attorney General Eric “Americans are cowards” Holder announced a lawsuit against the State of Arizona’s now famous immigration law SB1070. The nation’s top cop thinks the state doing a federal job is a no-no, will detract from federal efforts to enforce immigration laws, will cost more money, and is unconstitutional. Mr. Holder did fail to mention how any of these counter-intuitive statements might be true; presumably thinking we should just take his word. You’ll also notice that racial profiling wasn’t mentioned, turns out he’s saving that for later in case this first suit fails in court.

Second on the “Equal Justice for All, except when we say so” record, was the dismissal of charges against members of the New Black Panther Party for intimidating voters at a Philadelphia election station in November 2008. Seems standing by the precinct door in military style uniform slapping a night-stick in your hand should not be considered provocative. One Justice Department lawyer involved in the case has resigned and is now claiming that politics is at play in this case being dismissed. Of course, since said lawyer is a privileged white boy we ought pay him no never mind. A spokesman for the New Black Panthers, paragon’s of the soft and fuzzy, can’t we all just get along school of race relations, was recently video-taped expressing his hate for all white people and calling for the killing of crackers and some of their babies. To be fair, he was also critical of black men with white girlfriends.

Washington, D.C. – Rather than wait for the constitutionally mandated “Advise and Consent” of the United States Senate on his choice to run Medicare, Medicaid, and the new Obamacare programs, His Majesty the President, Barack H. Obama used a recess appointment to place Dr. Donald Berwick on the job. Dr. Berwick, a darling of the redistribute-the-wealth crowd and big fan of Britain’s National Health Service, with which he claims to have fallen in love, said that when it comes to your health it is crucial not to have to rely on, and I quote, “the darkness of private enterprise.” Yes indeed, damn all those men and women, Doctors and laymen, researchers and inventors who’ve brought us the miracles of modern medicine. It’s obviously time to go back to the barbers and leaches of the middle ages.

New York City, New York – The United Nations Security Council denounced the sinking of South Korea’s Navy frigate Cheonan last March without denouncing North Korea for having fired the torpedo that sank her. Commie pinko China, a permanent member of the Security Council, objected to naming North Korea responsible for the act that caused the deaths of 46 South Korean sailors so the official United Nation’s report on the sinking actually blames the torpedo. The torpedo was unavailable for comment. Tell me, why do we need the UN?

Washington, D.C. - From the Treasury Department; as of last Friday, the 9^th of July, the National Debt of the United States stood at 13 trillion, 192 billion, 234 million, 850 thousand, 314 dollars, and 21 cents, an increase of 154 billion over our last report and a new record.

On this date in History: In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed into law the measure creating the Congressional Medal of Honor to commend those who “shall most distinguish themselves by their gallantry in action.” Originally for enlisted men, the award was extended to all servicemen in 1863. In 1943, our then ally commie pinko Russia, stopped the German Army’s attack on the Kursk salient. This battle was significant for two reasons: it was the largest tank battle in history with over 6000 tanks deployed and by defeating the Germans marked the turning point of the war on the Eastern front. In 1957, Dwight Eisenhower became the first President to ride in a helicopter, taking a trip from the White House to Andrews Air Force Base; the Secret Service thought it would be safer than a limousine ride. In 1979, Steve Dahl of Chicago’s WLUP-FM hosted the “Disco Demolition” at Comiskey Park. The event got a little out of control as many of the 40,000 fans attending stormed the field, lighting fires of disco records and generally tearing up the place. Lastly, Happy Birthday to my cousin Sandy and my darling niece Krystal.

In Baseball news, our own Czar of the Knob’s charming wife Misty’s threw out the first pitch at Saturday’s Diamondbacks game at taxpayer built Chase Field.

June 28, 2010

Washington, D.C. – Until he says so, whatever General Stanley McChrystal hoped to achieve via his interview with Rolling Stone Magazine will remain unknown. What is known is this; the men and women of the American Army, Navy, Marine Corps, Air Force, and Coast Guard are entitled to their opinions of government, politics, and policy. What they are not entitled to is to play on the political stage while they are in service. Further, officers of the military serve at the discretion of the President, who, as commander in chief can hire or fire willy-nilly, if he so chooses. These two facts render all current arguments about General McChrystal’s dismissal as nothing more than exercises in speculation. The 800 hundred pound gorilla in the room is actually the fight in Afghanistan; a subject certainly worthy of more consideration than what lame beer one of our generals drinks.

Kabul, Afghanistan – While we play musical chairs with commanding generals, President Hamid Karzai, our on again, off again pal in the felt hat and superman cape met again with the head of one of the three main Taliban groups fighting the current war. Karzai’s attempt at diplomacy is supposedly with the aid of Pakistan’s ISI (Pakistan’s CIA, which is reportedly in cahoots with the Taliban already) and with the knowledge of our officials in the region who claim to be, and I quote, “aware of the conversations.” If Karzai can make peace, more power to him and let’s bring the Army home.

Washington, D.C. – Joining Generalissimo Francisco Franco of Spain, Senator Robert C. Byrd of West Virginia died this morning. And while we will not speak ill of the dead, we will not speak well of him either.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin – Vice President of the United States Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. proved his disdain for both the office to which he was elected and to all those whom he represents through his failed attempt at humor while supposedly scolding the manager of Kopp’s Frozen Custard who had the temerity to suggest no charge for Biden’s custard in exchange for lower taxes. The entire exchange and the temporary tempest it has become are clear expressions of the difference between the political class and the balance of American Citizens. By the way, Kopp’s Custard can be found in Greenfield, Brookfield, and Glendale, Wisconsin or on the web at Kopps.com.

Washington, D.C. - From the Treasury Department; as of last Friday, the 25^th of June, the National Debt of the United States stood at 13 trillion, 38 billion, 79 million, 983 thousand, 718 dollars, and 36 cents, a decrease of less than one billion over our last report and a real surprise.

On this date in History: In 1888, famous writer Robert Louis Stevenson and family, set sail from San Francisco for life and adventure in the South Seas. Stevenson, suffering from tuberculosis, was also seeking a healthier climate and eventually settled in Samoa. Author of numerous essays and travelogues, he is best remembered for his novels; Treasure Island, Kidnapped, and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. In 1914, Gavrilo Princip, a tubercular nineteen year old of extreme Serbian nationalist fervor did assassinate Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Crown Prince of the Austro-Hungarian Empire and his wife at Sarajevo in Bosnia-Herzegovina. Princip, who received aid from the Serbian Army, shot the couple at point blank range as they rode through the city on an official visit to the Empire’s provinces. The assassination, precipitating a fight between Austro-Hungary and Serbia, would see events grow out of control as the interlocking alliances of the European powers led by August to the start of the First World War; probably the greatest tragedy in modern human history. And in 1953, the first Corvette was hand built at the Chevrolet assembly plant in Flint, Michigan. Designed by Harley Earl to compete with Europe’s MGs, Jaguars, and Ferraris; the original model of white with a red leather interior had a V-6 engine, no exterior door handles, and a price tag of $3490 dollars. The Corvette was named after the “trim, fleet, naval vessel that performed heroic escort and patrol duties during World War II.”

In sports news: We are not displeased to report that the American soccer team was eliminated from World Cup play with a loss to that soccer powerhouse Ghana. It is now our fervent hope that sanity can be restored and soccer returned to the elementary schools where it so obviously belongs. In Baseball, there were a number of scores from yesterday’s play.

June 21, 2010

Phoenix, Arizona – Senator Jon Kyl, speaking at a Tea Party town hall last Friday, surprised his audience when he revealed that His Majesty the President Barack Obama told him that if he addressed border security first the Republicans wouldn’t support immigration reform after. Quoting the Senator, “The problem is, he said, if we secure the border, then you all won’t have any reason to support comprehensive immigration reform.” As you might expect, the White House announced today that His Majesty never said anything like this. Spokesman at Senator Kyl’s office replied that the senator stands by his word. So, somebody’s not telling the truth. Imagine that.

Washington D.C. – Tony Hayward, CEO of BP, appeared before a congressional committee last week to testify and answer questions about the ongoing oil mess in the Gulf of Mexico. Mr. Hayward, who had relatively little to say other than acknowledging BP’s responsibility for the accident and stating again that his company will clean up and make whole the Gulf of Mexico, our southern shores, and those businesses and individuals adversely afflicted; was himself afflicted with a bipartisan attack of ignorant, repetitive, juvenile vitriol from members of Congress obviously longing to see themselves spouting righteous indignation on the evening news. Now sadly, your correspondent can admit to having seen many examples over the years, of congressmen and senators making complete and total jackasses of themselves while in committee. From long winded preambles to questions that have been asked and answered, to foregone conclusions immune from any statement, fact, or answer a witness might provide; last week’s exchange between Mr. Hayward and his inquisitors takes the old phrase, “theater of the absurd” to new levels. The display of outright stupidity on the part of our representatives is both an alarm bell ringing as well as a ringing condemnation of ourselves for electing these drooling idiots to congress. It is time to fear for the Republic.

Phoenix, Arizona – Look Ma, they made me Governor, Jan Brewer has not surprisingly put politics above duty, honor, and the American way by driving State Attorney General, Terry Goddard, off the legal cases being brought against SB1070, the new immigration law. Quite simply, the Governor, named a party in some of the suits, doesn’t think Mr. Goddard will conduct the best defense of her office and the State due to his political affiliations. She will as a result, hire outside counsel to defend her and the State against all comers on the subject. It seems that regardless of the State Constitution, our current fiscal problems and the fact we have our own lawyers; Mrs. Brewer would rather exercise her ego, driven by politics, than properly apply the powers of the State as is her duty. Absolutely pathetic.

Washington, D.C. - From the Treasury Department; as of last Friday, the 18^th of June, the National Debt of the United States stood at 13 trillion, 38 billion, 877 million, 263 thousand, 966 dollars, and 78 cents, a decrease of approximately 3 billion over our last report.

On this date in History: In 1788 New Hampshire, famous for it motto “live free or die,” became the 9^th state to ratify the Constitution of the United States. This action satisfied the 9 of 13 states approving threshold called for in Article VII of the Constitution thus making it the law of the land. As such, government of the United States under that document began on the 4^th of March 1789.

In 1940 Mr. Richard Nixon married Miss Patricia Ryan in Los Angeles, California. You may recall Mr. Nixon as the 37^th President of the United States, or then again, you may not.

In 1965, the Byrd’s, introduced their debut album, Mr. Tambourine Man and marked what many call the beginning of the folk-rock revolution; described as the ringing guitars and backbeat of the British Invasion with the harmonies and lyrical depth of folk music combined to create an entirely new sound. I have absolutely no idea what that means but I’m sure our Engineering Czar and Music Man, Mr. Brian Jewett can tell you.

We are pleased to report that both Hockey and Basketball are finally finished. In Baseball, there were a number of scores from yesterday’s play.

June 14, 2010

Across Louisiana and the Gulf Coast – His Majesty the President Barack Obama returned to our nation’s Southern shores this morning for two more days of acting on the big oil mess. Tomorrow night, after, what I’m sure will have been a thorough investigation, his Majesty will address the nation and without doubt, be entirely Presidential.

As a result, the oil will cease to flow from the depths, the calm waters will be swept clear, the beaches, the marshes, the fish and the fowl will all be restored to perfection. The inspired leadership of His Majesty the President, plus the dedicated and selfless efforts of those in our Federal government, will have taken the day. Yes, it’s another glorious, progressive step toward that more perfect union. See the flags fly; hear the trumpets sound and then, wake up, you’re dreaming.

In the real world where we are obliged to deal with the facts, the oil continues to flow. Hot air and indignation aside, this condition will persist until the engineers and workmen finally solve the problem and harness the gusher on the sea floor. Be that next week, next month, or some other point down the calendar we can be sure the oil will be controlled. Further, we can be sure that tremendous efforts are and will be made to clean up the mess. And, as has been shown elsewhere, time and Mother Nature will restore the Gulf of Mexico and our Southern coast to normalcy faster than we expect.

Of course all of this will happen, with or without the posturing of politicians and the crocodile tears of the news media breathlessly reporting from a faintly fouled beach the latest on some poor goose that’s gotten slimed. The death knell of church bells can be heard in the ominous tones of news anchors gravely telling us that this is day five hundred and ten of the ongoing crisis that is surely leading to the end of days. But Armageddon aside, stay tuned for the latest Sarah Palin flap, see Harry Reid exercise with Mrs. President Obama, plenty of other celebrity news, plus sports and weather.

Johannesburg, South Africa – scattered reports are arriving that something called the World Cup, a quadrennial soccer tournament, is being held at the Southern end of Africa. While seemingly of interest to pseudo-cosmopolitans, yuppie scum, and other pretentious intellectuals, the vast majority of the nation couldn’t care less. We salute their discretion.

Washington, D.C. - From the Treasury Department; as of last Friday, the 11^th of June, the National Debt of the United States stood at 13 trillion, 41 billion, 405 million, 343 thousand, 973 dollars, and 44 cents, a decrease of approximately 15 billion over our last report and sadly not expected to be a new trend.

On this date in History: in 1777 the Continental Congress adopts a resolution stating that “the flag of the United States be thirteen alternate stripes red and white” “the Union be thirteen stars, white in a blue field, representing a new Constellation.” According to legend, General George Washington asked Philadelphia seamstress Betsy Ross to make for him such a flag and that it was Ross who arranged the stars in a circle on the blue union. Interestingly there is no evidence to support or defame the legend. Flag Day was first celebrated in 1877 to mark the 100^th anniversary of the flag’s adoption and formally recognized by act of Congress in 1949 declaring June 14^th a national day of observance.

In 1922 Warren G. Harding became the first President heard on radio. Sadly starting a trend that has continued and grown to this day where in addition to radio, TV and the internet are deluged with the face and drone of our current monarch, His Majesty President Obama.

Lastly, following upon the humiliating defeat of her arms on the field of battle, all France witnessed the triumphal entry of the German army into Paris on this day in 1940. So began the four year occupation by Hitler’s minions of the famed City of Light; dimmed until August 1944 when allied armies and the French underground finally chased the Germans out.

In Baseball, scores from yesterday’s interleague play: 5-9, 3-4, 9-4, 11-4, 5-3, 6-1, 7-3 twice, 7-2, 3-10, 2-6, 4-2, 6-5, and 0-1 in Chicago. The Diamondbacks did beat the Cardinals.

JUNE 7, 2010

Washington D.C. – Helen Thomas, for 50 years a White House reporter for UPI, AP, and the Hearst chain let slip the dogs of political correctness when asked about Israel suggested that the Jews get out of Palestine and go back to Poland, Germany, and the United States. The uproar of condemnation has been almost universal and while Ms. Thomas issued the expected perfunctory apology the tempest in this teapot has forced her to resign her position. It is the expressed hope of all that this obnoxious woman now go to Mexico City and get run over by a bus.

The Gulf Coast – His Majesty President Barak Obama returned to Louisiana last week under mounting pressure to do something about the large leak of oil into the Gulf of Mexico resulting from the industrial accident on the Deepwater Horizon drilling rig. The nation’s media and the chattering classes are all in a tizzy that the master of teleprompter communication has not cowed the leaking oil with his display of compassion, resolution, and well crafted oratory. Obviously, no one has the strength of character to inform His Majesty that hot air works in Chicago but not on busted oil wells.

Chicago, Illinois – Speaking of hot air, supposedly disgraced former governor Rod Blagojevich went on trial last week for allegedly trying to sell His Majesty the President’s old Senate seat to the highest bidder. Lawyers, jurors, spectators, and courtroom staff are expected to listen to upwards of 5000 recordings of Blagojevich and company talking deals. They have our distinct pity. In a related matter, two other cases of His Majesty’s administration trying to influence participation in primary elections with offers of federal jobs are being downplayed as politics as usual. The contradictions here are too great to describe simply.

The Eastern Mediterranean Sea – The Israeli Navy intercepted and killed too few of an armada of knuckleheads trying to break their blockade of the Hamas controlled Gaza strip. The blockade, established to prevent the shipment of missiles and other military hardware to the terrorist bastards in Gaza, really steams the usual crowd of terrorist apologists and sympathizers who consider Israel a modern Nazi Germany when it come to their treatment of those who try to kill them. In what appears to be an attempt to create a cause for war, our dear friends the Iranians through the offices of their religious big wig Khameni, have offered to send their oddly named Revolutionary Guard Navy to the Mediterranean and escort the next flotilla of brainless do-gooders and calculating terrorists trying to get into Gaza. As you might imagine, the usual suspects at the UN have condemned Israel for defending herself and are calling for an international investigation. An Israeli spokesman suggested that such a commission come on ships with the next attempt at blockade running.

Pyongyang, North Korea – The Dear leader, little leader, or whatever the hell they call that rat-like dwarf who runs this impoverished country, again threatened war with South Korea if that nation takes its case of the North’s sinking one of their Navy’s cruisers to the United Nations for adjudication. Regional experts can make no sense of this latest threat as China will certainly block any significant condemnation of her little rat dwarf ally by the UN’s Security Council.

Washington, D.C. - From the Treasury Department; as of last Friday, the 4^th of June, the National Debt of the United States stood at 13 trillion, 56 billion, 249 million, 966 thousand, 400 dollars, and 12 cents, an increase of 69 billion over our last report and a new record. Here are a few relevant facts; this debt now amounts to 42,116 dollars for every citizen, man, woman, and child in the United States. The current administration and Congress have added 788 billion dollars to this debt since the first of the year.

On this date in History: Considering that yesterday was the 66^th anniversary of D-Day, the allied invasion of Europe, today June 7^th, is a day with practically no historical significance. I guess History was tired from yesterday’s exertions.

In Baseball play, scores from yesterday in the American League: 4-3, 3-4, 7-8, 2-7, 9-5, 4-5, and 9-4. In the National League: 6-7, 5-4, 6-5 twice, 3-6, 4-5, 3-2, and 4-3.

May 17, 2010

Washington, D.C. – In what should have come as no surprise to anyone, the Attorney General of the United States, Mr. Eric Holder revealed last week that he hasn’t read SB 1070, Arizona’s new immigration law. Let me repeat, the Attorney General of the United States, second only to the President in responsibility for the enforcement of the law, has admitted that his comments and criticisms about Arizona’s attempt to deal with illegal immigration come to him from no knowledge of the law in question because he hasn’t read it. Spokesmen and others defending the Attorney General claim that his superior attitude is correct as actual knowledge of the bill’s particulars could bias his opinion; so that in this case, ignorance of the law is the best excuse. But not for being an ass.

Phoenix, Arizona – An officer of the Phoenix Police Department announced that he will be filing a lawsuit to stop implementation of SB 1070, the new immigration law, on the grounds it will require more training and take away time better invested in other police work. We here at Racing Roundup Arizona are second to none in our appreciation of the fine men and women who serve in our police forces and offer the following in purest support of public spirit. When you’ve legally stopped anyone, at some point in the conversation, ask this question, “Sir/Madame, are you legally resident in the United States?” Note, that this question took approximately 3 seconds to ask. You are now trained and we have shown it didn’t take up much of your important time. Now tell the race hustler’s paying for your lawsuit to buzz off and you get back to work.

Columbus, Ohio – Authorities with Ohio’s Department of Corrections announced that there may be in delay in scheduled executions due to a nationwide shortage of thiopental sodium. Commonly known as Sodium Pentothal, it is one of the unfortunately named cocktail of drugs used to implement the death penalty. The drug, a barbiturate, renders the condemned unconscious before the injection of the lethal agent. Manufacturers of the drug claim they’ll have fresh supplies available after the first of July. In the interim, may we be so bold as to suggest that when applied appropriately rope, bullets, and electricity have proven success rates in the bringing on of death to those adjudged worthy of the supreme punishment.

Washington, D.C. - From the Treasury Department; as of last Friday, the 14^th of May, the National Debt of the United States stood at 12 trillion, 926 billion, 689 million, 780 thousand, 236 dollars, and 68 cents, a decrease of about 6 billion over our last report and a complete surprise to everyone.

Citizen’s of Arizona – tomorrow, the 18^th of May, a special election will be held to decide on an increase in the State’s sales tax rate. As you’ve no doubt noticed on TV, radio, the newspapers, numerous billboards and street signs, those in favor have gone all out, spending more than two million dollars to have this infamy passed. The political class in conjunction with all those sucking on the government teat, by which I mean the teacher’s and service unions, big business, and myriad other special interests want you to believe that State and local government will essentially collapse without the desired revenue. Bunk! In a State where there are as many administrative employees as there are teachers in the educational system; where the Universities can buy advertising to trumpet their standing in the world while tenured professors make six figure salaries working ten hour weeks, where social services are provided to families making 300% of the poverty level, and where executive authority can cynically cut spending in services while protecting the bureaucracy no good reason can justify raising the sales tax rate. I urge you most strongly to Vote no tomorrow on Proposition 100.

As to this date in History, suffice to say it has come before and it will come again.

In Baseball play, yesterday’s scores from the American League: 2-1, 5-2, 6-3, 5-1 twice, 5-3, and 4-0. In the National League: 4-2, 10-8, 13-1, 7-2, 4-3 twice, 1-0, and finally 2-1. I also understand that playoff games are currently going on in both Basketball and Hockey but I don’t care.

MAY 10, 2010

Morgan Hill, California – Cinco de drinko, the obscure Mexican holiday, of which no one seems to know what exactly it signifies, passed with the usual amount of celebratory drinking and a flap over five local high school students wearing shirts bearing the American Flag. In what was hoped to prevent trouble with students of Mexican ancestry, Mr. Miguel Rodriquez, Vice Principal at Live Oak High School, ordered the five students to reverse their shirts or go home. Far from preventing trouble, the ensuing stink may result in a freedom of expression lawsuit against the school district, and did result in approximately 200 of the high school’s students skipping out the next day to express pride in their Mexican heritage with a protest march to City Hall. This ridiculous affair begs the questions, what sort of crap is being taught to the little darlings of Live Oak High that they should have no pride in their American heritage and who the hell is interested in the opinions of high school students?

Brussels, Belgium – The European Union and the International Monetary Fund announced this morning the creation of a one trillion dollar slush fund to help prevent collapse of the Euro currency due to the expanding debt crisis. As you’re likely aware many European nations are spending more money than they can raise in taxes or borrow from others. Exemplified by the current situation in Greece, fear exists that default on these debts will blow big holes in the banking systems of Europe by rendering their loans to the debtor nations worthless. Typically, the political response to this situation is to create more debt by refinancing and extending more loans. The dirty little secret is the forlorn hope that the debtor nations will reform their spending habits and honorably service their debts. The truth is that the day of reckoning is only being postponed and the longer this goes on the worse that day of reckoning will be.

Washington, D.C. – His majesty the President, Barak Obama nominated Elena Kagan for associate justice to the Supreme Court. Ms. Kagan, currently Solicitor General of the United States and formerly Dean of the Harvard Law School looks to fit the standard definition of a progressive lawyer and is thought to be a good replacement for idiot liberal justice John Paul Stevens who is retiring. We can only hope that unlike Republican appointees who grow into the job by becoming more liberal, Ms. Kagan can grow into the job by becoming more conservative.

Racing fans and auto enthusiasts will be interested to know that Ms. Kagan, a child of New York City, didn’t learn to drive until her late 20s. And according to her friend John Barrett, a law professor at St. John's University, after 30 years, driving is a skill she has not yet mastered.

Washington, D.C. - From the Treasury Department; as of last Friday, the 7^th of May, the National Debt of the United States stood at 12 trillion, 932 billion, 913 million, 325 thousand, 200 dollars, and 66 cents, an increase of about 79 billion over our last report and a new record.

On This Day in History: In 1863 Confederate General Thomas J. “Stonewall” Jackson died from pneumonia contracted after the injuries he suffered upon being accidentally shot by his own troops. In 1869 at Promontory, Utah, the golden spike was driven and the transcontinental railroad was completed with the meeting of the Central Pacific and Union Pacific Railroads. In 1871 the Treaty of Frankfurt am Main ended the Franco-Prussian war. This war caused the collapse of the French pretender Louis Napoleon and established the unification of Germany under the King of Prussia who would henceforth be known as the Kaiser of Germany. This culmination of the Iron Chancellor, Otto von Bismarck’s political aspirations would set the stage for the political and military disasters that would be the two world wars of the 20^th century. In 1924 J. Edgar Hoover was named acting director of the Bureau of Investigation, forerunner of the FBI. Hoover would go on to run the nation’s premiere police force for the next 48 years, primarily by knowing where all the bodies were buried and who had buried them. And in 1940, with the German invasion of Holland, Belgium, and the Netherlands begun, Winston Churchill was called on to replace Neville Chamberlain as Prime Minister of England. In his first speech as Prime Minister, Churchill told parliament, the British Nation and Empire that, “I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat.” Further, “that we shall never surrender.” He was as good as his word.

MAY 3, 2010

New York City, New York – Addressing the United Nations, Iranian President and candidate for a Gillette razor commercial, Machmood Amanutjob announced again that Iran has no interest in making an atomic bomb. Surprisingly, the audience of foreign diplomats didn’t realize that Amanutjob was not the warm up comedian and laughed unreservedly at his remarks. At last report, Mr. Amanutjob was still speaking and the audience had figured out he wasn’t really being funny.

Los Angeles, California; Chicago, Illinois; New York City, New York; Houston, Texas; and numerous other American cities were witness to demonstrations this past Saturday of the seeming displeasure some of our fellow citizens and non-citizens have in Arizona’s new immigration law. Amongst the chanting, screaming, and general nonsense displayed by those attending was the call for boycotts of Arizona, Arizona based firms, and even our sports team. Recognizing the positive potential of boycotts, spokesman for the State Legislature announced plans to introduce new laws that should enlarge the numbers of those who will boycott Arizona. Being considered, the Canadians shall be call Canucks law; the Union employee non-standing around the shovel law, the no marriage for fags and dykes law, the pay cut and revocation of tenure at the schools and universities law, and finally, the democrats have to make an intelligent argument before we’ll listen to them law. Supporters claim these laws will increase the calls for boycotts and reduce the number of fools and knaves that darken our doors. Critics suggest these laws might backfire and flood the state with other American’s looking for a sensible place to live.

Boston, Massachusetts – In another example of the benefits of preventative maintenance, a 10 foot diameter water main burst in suburban Boston last week, denying clean water to 700,000 of the city’s more than two million water customers. Spokesman for the water utility said, “don’t blame us, the City of Boston is too busy buying chowder for their welfare voters and not spending money on keeping things fixed.”

Columbia, South Carolina – after extensive review, State Attorney General Henry McMaster said that no criminal charges will be brought against Governor Mark Sanford as a consequence of his Argentinean girlfriend imbroglio. Turns out Governor Sanford carelessly spent his own money and time visiting the girl from Ipanema. And yes, we know Ipanema is in Brazil, but the sentence sounded too good to confuse with the facts.

Somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico – It seems our friends at BP, the former British Petroleum, poked a hole in the floor of the Gulf of Mexico that due to an as yet unexplained industrial accident is now leaking a great deal of crude oil into the aforementioned gulf. Not to worry though, as His majesty the President, the Coast Guard, and sixteen other government agencies are on the case. To quote the opinion spin machines, “They’ve been on the case since day one.” That of course was April 20^th and it appears that hot air is not a cure to leaking oil.

Madrid, Spain – As of the 20^th of November 1975, Generalissimo Francisco Franco of Spain is still dead.

Washington, D.C. - From the Treasury Department; as of last Friday, the 30^th of April, the National Debt of the United States stood at 12 trillion, 853 billion, 100 million, 126 thousand, 888 dollars, and 44 cents, a decrease of about 19 billion over our last report. I doubt this is a new trend.

On This Day in History: sadly nothing of real interest happened that is worthy of this report. We might mention that Niccolo Machiavelli was born on this day in 1469 and would gain eternal fame as the author of The Prince, a practical guide to governance for those who still have the will to put their adversaries to death. And while that would be of interest to political philosophers the only general reason for mentioning his birth is that his name gave us the delightful word, Machiavellian, which is both fun to pronounce and useful when applied to the behavior of really nasty political types like Richard Nixon and Franklin Roosevelt.

And as we have a moment, here are the baseball scores from Sunday: 5-10, 8-3, 5-1, 12-3, 9-3 twice, 3-2, 7-1, 6-0, 8-0, and in a real display of pitching talent 1-0.

And that’s just some of the news. This report has been brought to you by Racing Roundup Arizona who wants you to know, “It’s our opinion and you’re entitled to it and if you disagree, you’re entitled to be wrong.” Now, please stand bye, Racing Roundup Arizona will return in all its glory after these commercial messages.

APRIL 26, 2010

Phoenix, Arizona – Given the federal government’s decades of inaction, the State Legislature passed and last Friday the Governor of Arizona signed into law Senate Bill 1070, the immigration act, and the you-know-what has hit the fan.

Like so much else in American politics, the debate about immigration is couched in friendly terms with all sides doing their best to come up with a fair and equitable solution to the problem. Uh, oops, sorry about that, a little acid flashback there, I thought I was in a Dudley Do-Right Cartoon. Let’s try that again.

Like so much else in American politics, the immigration debate is almost totally devoid of reason or common sense. Rather, we have the race hustlers and democratic vote counters screaming at the top of their lungs about the Gestapo and Nazi tactics bringing about a police state. The usual suspects, from His Majesty the President, “it’s misguided and un-American”, through Sharpton and Jackson, “yo violatin dare civil rights”, to little 13 year old Pedro Alvodar, “the pigs are gonna chase us down like animals” have set a standard for intellectual discourse that promises no intelligent conclusion will be possible.

What’s the net-net? Once the lawyers finish sucking millions of dollars out of public and private coffers and the law is allowed to be applied there will be a few more of our unexpected guests sent back to the other side of the great revolving door that is our Southern Border. His Majesty the President, making the latest call for “comprehensive immigration reform” will coo and preen, in his new clothes, Congress will debate with the appropriate level of acrimony and name calling, the newspapers, talk radio, TV and cable commentators, and the internet bloggers will all sound off, making sure to describe those with whom they disagree as being less than human. And in the end, we’ll be right here, as we have been, nothing much will have changed, no real progress will have been made, and most everybody will be even more heartily displeased.

Washington, D.C. – Secretary of Health and Human Services, Kathleen Sebelius announced that the government’s health care cost estimates were wrong, the new health care plan will end up costing us all more money. Who would have expected this?

New York City, New York – The Securities and Exchange Commission announced disciplinary action has been taken against a number of executive officials of the agency for watching pornography on government computers while on the job. One fellow managed to visit 16,000 sites in a month’s time, that’s over 500 sites a day. In related news, Congress is currently debating a new financial regulatory law that will place greater oversight authority in the SEC. They obviously need the work.

Madrid, Spain – In news that comes as no surprise to us, Generalissimo Francisco Franco of Spain is still dead.

Washington, D.C. - From the Treasury Department; as of last Friday, the 23^rd of April, the National Debt of the United States stood at 12 trillion, 872 billion, 601 million, 270 thousand, 864 dollars, and 44 cents, an increase of more than 46 billion over our last report and a new record.

On This Day in History: In 1865, Confederate General Joseph Johnston officially surrendered his Army to General William T. Sherman at Durham Station, North Carolina. Also that day, Union soldiers cornered and shot John Wilkes Booth in the barn of Virginia farmer Richard Garrett. While looking at his hands, Booth’s last words were, “Useless, useless.” In 1954 field trials of the Salk polio vaccine began at the Franklin Sherman Elementary School in McLean, Virginia. The test, involving 1.8 million children would prove a success, the vaccine would become a standard part of childhood immunization and polio would be almost entirely eliminated. In 1977 Studio 54, the drug drenched discotheque, notorious emblem of the age opened in New York City. And in 1986 two disasters of note occurred, the nuclear power plant at Chernobyl, Ukraine exploded and Arnold Schwarzenegger married the Kennedy girl Maria Shriver.

And that’s just some of the news. This report has been brought to you by Racing Roundup Arizona who wants you to know, “It’s our opinion and you’re entitled to it and if you disagree, you’re entitled to be wrong.” Now, please stand bye, Racing Roundup Arizona will return in all its glory after these commercial messages.

April 12, 2005

London, England – And another one bites the dust. According to a new study published in the scientific journal Nature, the Karlsruhe Institute of Technology, located unsurprisingly in Karlsruhe, Germany has discovered that cattle grazing on grass produce less nitrous oxide than would the grass were it left alone. Nitrous oxide, commonly referred to as laughing gas, follows carbon dioxide and methane as the third most prevalent of the supposed greenhouse gasses. Up until now, eco-freaks have been telling us to stop eating red meat as the cows were producing copious amounts of greenhouse gasses. It turns out that the nasty grass, left to grow un-grazed by our bovine friends will produce more nitrous oxide than will the cows grazing upon that self same grass. This study, conducted in combination with Pink Floyd, the musical group, provides the underlying rational for the Brick in the Wall question, “How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?” Well, feel free to eat your meat in clear conscience and have your pudding, the cows are all right.

Kabul, Afghanistan – In an interesting bit of news, carefully ignored by the majority of media vendors; it seems that tribal elders in the war torn parts of Afghanistan and Northwestern Pakistan are really feeling the heat of our military efforts. The office of President Hamid Karzai, our man in Afghanistan, reports that the leading men of many tribes are quietly pressing Karzai to find a political solution to the fighting now being pressed upon them by the American and allied militaries. It seems that we are succeeding in bringing the war home to the tribes that have been fighting alongside the Taliban. Further, that the casualties amongst those tribes are starting to add up and that is generating resistance to the current tribal leadership’s policy. As is well know, politicians are the same the world over and when their power is threatened they look first for a way to secure their power; which in this case means cutting a deal. No official word on prospects, yet.

New York City, New York – The Dow Jones Industrial Average rose 8.62 points today to close at 11,005.97 points. Financial experts were pleased with reaching the 11000 point milestone but remain concerned about impending tax increases, mounting government debt, and potential inflation.

Madrid, Spain - As previously reported, Generalissimo Francisco Franco of Spain is still dead. Details as events unfold.

Washington, D.C. - From the Treasury Department; as of last Friday, the 9^th of April, the National Debt of the United States stood at 12 trillion, 826 billion, 31 million, 306 thousand, 447 dollars, and 93 cents, an increase of more than 64 billion over last week and a new record.

On This Day in History: In 1633 Galileo Galilei was brought before the Catholic Inquisition for believing, as Copernicus demonstrated, that the Earth revolved around the Sun. Having beaten the same charge 17 years previously by arguing he didn’t really believe Copernicus he was just discussing his ideas; Mr. Galilei prepared to make the same defense. He will be found guilty of heresy and sentenced to house arrest and much praying. The Church will clear his name about three hundred years later.

In 1861 the fire-eaters, now in charge of the recently seceded State of South Carolina, begin the American Civil War by firing upon Fort Sumter. This action proved President Lincoln’s inaugural address correct where he had said to Southerners, “You can have no conflict without being yourselves the aggressors.”

In 1945, that self-centered, progressive socialist, power mad son-of-a-bitch Franklin D. Roosevelt dies of a cerebral hemorrhage at Warm Springs, Georgia. May he rot in Hell.

In 1954 Bill Haley and the Comets recorded “Rock around the Clock.”

In 1961 Yuri Gagarin became the first man in space.

And in 1981 the first Space Shuttle, Columbia, was launched from the Kennedy Space Center at Cape Canaveral, Florida. This launch begins the 29 year run of our shuttle fleet that ends later this year.

And that’s some of the news. This report has been brought to you by Racing Roundup Arizona who wants you to know, “It’s our opinion and you’re entitled to it and if you disagree, you’re entitled to be wrong.” But won’t necessarily stop us from making fun of you.

Now, please stay tuned, the back half of Racing Roundup Arizona will begin after these important commercial messages.

April 5, 2005

Cape Canaveral, Florida – With a faint hint of dawn on the edge of the Atlantic Ocean, at 6:21 AM Eastern Daylight Savings Time this morning, the space shuttle Discovery lifted off from the Kennedy Space Center for a trip to the space station. That’s certainly a lot of space. This fourth last mission for our shuttle fleet carries cargo to the space station and will be bringing garbage back home. Considering the government’s spending priorities are for getting votes, and there aren’t enough voters for NASA, we are watching an end of America’s space adventure. Not with a bang, but with a whimper; and hauling garbage at that.

Hollywood, California -The latest mission of the shuttle Discovery is considered notable as there are three women amongst the seven member crew. This is a record for space travel and will be the basis for a new situation comedy on NBC next Fall. The show, tentatively called, “To the moon, Alice” is touted as a combination of NASA and “The Office” in space. And like the space program, will probably end up in the garbage.

Augusta, Georgia – Practice rounds for the Masters began today at the good-for-them-staying-Men’s-only, Augusta National Golf Club. Tiger Woods, a golfer, is reportedly in the news here.

Kabul, Afghanistan – From the “we sure can pick-‘em” department; it seems our pal in the Presidential Palace here, one Hamid Karzai, who you may remember for the large green cape and appropriately ethnic pillbox hat he wears, has announced that if we don’t start playing nicer in Afghanistan he’s going to join the Taliban. You may remember the Taliban, they’re the fellows who blow up local versions of Mt. Rushmore, terrorize the girls and women, and played host to our old friend, the current mountain man, Osama Bin Laden. It seems that as President, Mr. Karzai isn’t doing as well as his people think he should and so he’s looking for scapegoats to divert Afghani attention. You may remember diverting attention, that’s where the great OZ says to pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

This just in, Generalissimo Francisco Franco of Spain is still dead. We’ll have more on this important story as events unfold. Remember, for the unvarnished news and un-sanded, if you like, you can count on the Racing Roundup Report.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania – Mr. Justin Krockott, a 19 year old high school student went with two friends to the local Best Buy, bought the new 700 dollar Apple I-pad, took it outside the store and with tape rolling, proceeded to smash the fancy new device to bits with a baseball bat so that they might be the first to post the video on Youtube. Mr. Krockott, quoted as saying, “I wanted to be the first one to do it before other people did it,” and that “it was just something to do” is reportedly now being recruited by Harvard, Princeton, Yale, and numerous other Ivy League schools for his avant–guard artistic style.

Washington, D.C. - From the Treasury Department; as of last Friday, the 2^nd of April, the National Debt of the United States stood at 12 trillion, 762 billion, 747 million, 199 thousand, 516 dollars, and 75 cents, an increase of more than 75 billion over last week and a new record.

On This Day in History: In 1614 John Rolfe of the Jamestown colony married Pocahontas, princess of the Powhatan confederacy. The bride wore buckskin with fringes and colorful decorations, the groom was dressed in black. The couple are registered at Tiffany’s in New Amsterdam and will be honeymooning at Niagara Falls.

In 1862, General George McClellan by choosing to lay siege rather than attack at Yorktown, Virginia stalled the Peninsular campaign and proved he had no fight in him; squandering the first of many opportunities to have made History in the fighting of the Civil War.

Otherwise, this date is significant primarily for death. In 1936, tornadoes killed 200 people in Tupelo, Mississippi and Gainseville, Georgia. Of note, 1 year old Elvis Presley was spared. Howard Hughes died in 1976. Kurt Cobain killed himself in 1994. Lee Petty died in 2000. Charlton Heston died in 2008. And this news report may well be dying now.

So, that’s just some of the news. This report has been brought to you by Racing Roundup Arizona who wants you to know, “It’s our opinion and you’re entitled to it and if you disagree, you’re entitled to be wrong but we are placing your name on the TSA’s terrorist watch list.” Now, please stay tuned, the second hour of Racing Roundup Arizona will begin after these important commercial messages.

MARCH 29, 2010

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

Washington, D.C. – In case you weren’t sure what drives our Democratic friends to attempt the perfection of American life through stupid ideas like the new Health care law, let me quote from Senator Max Baucus, dipshit of Montana and chairman of the Senate Finance Committee. In remarks made last Thursday, Mr. Baucus described the health care law as a “Fix-it” and “income shift” to address the “Mal-distribution of income” in the United States. Well Senator, if you really want to address the mal-distribution of income in the United States, I suggest you try starting a business and meeting payroll. Or perhaps give away the money your wealthy ranching family left you. Or just get a real job, since you’ve been in government all your life. The only real mal-distribution here is in cognitive ability, the lack thereof from which you so obviously suffer, you steaming pile of cattle dung.
Baltimore, Maryland – The Social Security Administration announced last week that due to the current recession and the high unemployment rate, payroll tax revenue will, for the first time, fall below the expenditure level of the Social Security system. In the real world, this means Social Security is broke, here in the rarified world of government it just means we’ll have to start borrowing more money sooner than we expected.

Washington, D.C. - From the Treasury Department; as of last Friday, the 26th of March, the National Debt of the United States stood at 12 trillion, 687 billion, 570 million, 153 thousand, 23 dollars, and 93 cents, an increase of more than 26 billion over last week and a new record.

On This Day in History: In 1865, after unsuccessful attacks on Union positions around Richmond, the last of which resulted in the breach of Confederate defenses, General Robert E. Lee and his Army of Northern Virginia decamped from the Southern capital, beginning the Appomattox campaign, a running fight that would end on April 9th with Lee’s surrender. God save the Union. In 1929, Herbert Hoover, then President of the United States had a telephone installed in the Oval Office of the White House; no discernable improvement in governing has been observed. In 1951, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, commie pinko spies responsible for passing top secret information about the Manhattan Project to the Soviet Union, were found guilty of espionage against the United States and sentenced to death. In 1971, in what was quite a media spectacle of its day, Lt. William Calley of the U.S. Army was found guilty for the premeditated murders of 22 Vietnamese citizens in the village of My Lai. Originally sentenced to life in prison, Calley would be paroled in 1974. And in 1973, the last combat troops of the American expedition to Vietnam lifted off the ground at 5:53 PM local time from the Tan Son Nhut airbase in South Vietnam. In the nine years that had passed since the Gulf of Tonkin resolution passed Congress, nearly two and a half million men had served in Vietnam, 300 thousand of whom were wounded and 58 thousand of whom gave their last full measure of devotion. May they rest in peace.

And that’s just some of the news. This report has been brought to you by Racing Roundup Arizona who wants you to know, “It’s our opinion and you’re entitled to it and if you disagree, you’re entitled to be wrong but we’ll be forced to consider you no better than a Frenchman.” Now, please stay tuned, the second hour of Racing Roundup Arizona will begin after these important commercial messages.